Today I didn't know where i was for a minute. Had no idea where i was, what i was holding, what i was doing. Looked around and nothing was familiar.
Finally, it clicked and things slowly came back into focus. I started recognizing people around me, that i was at work, that i was cleaning something. The radio was playing a Journey song. I think my brain has finally decided that enough was enough. I think we both did , for a moment. A long moment.
It keeps getting easier to think about. There's no sudden mental wall that comes up to say "danger danger ". I think about it when I take my easter egg arrangement of meds in the morning. then in the afternoon. then at night.
I think about it at work, all the time. It would be impossible not to. It's sort of OJ Simpson in the "here's how i would have done it" train of thought.
I am calling my counselor tommorow. Need an emergency visit. I just don't know else to do anymore. I don't know how to make this stop. I'm working so hard to stay here, and I can't figure out why. Why, if it's always going to be like this? Why if you know you will never be still, content or less guarded? Why, when i know i will make everyone - friends, family, co-workers exasperated at me because they don't understand what's happening to me.
Strangely enough, I really DON'T want to die. I just can't figure out how to live anymore.
Here's where i should switch the topic to something less ....bleak.
I'm ok. honestly. or i will be. I know what to do when i get like this. I have mobile mental health on speedial practically.
seela and i are redoing the bedroom, and i do love what we are doing to it. But then i realized, what if i'm only here for another few monthes? I can't stay here forever, even though I'm not being pushed out the door. But I need space. My own space.
I think I need a sabatoical or something. Walkabout. Anything just to make this stop.
I thought with the meds and the therapy i could work through this. But it doesn't seem to be enough and I hit points like this where I can't even recognize myself.
I'm just tired. So tired of it all. I have nothing left to fight with at this point.
but...
here i am.
and i guess thats a good start as well as anything else.