September 22nd, 2009
Current Mood:  happy
I am now the proud owner of 11 of the deryni books. Oh ebay is an evil thing. They were like Ten dollars. I blame you for giving me the itch to read them all again. Now all I need is the valdemar books, the amelia peabody books and my francis books (which i still do have in storage) and i will have my faviorite books surronding me again. I consider this my consellation prize for having to work this week. Also the mary and elizabeth book i borrowed from you is so good i want to put it on a sandwhich and eat it.
July 23rd, 2009
Current Mood:  calm
Current Music: little richard
I wish family stuff hadn't gotten in the way of my music. I feel like I will always regret not pushing harder for it. That will always haunt me and hurt me.
July 21st, 2009
Current Mood:  tired
I have been informed that I am having a get together for my birthday. The lovely ms. eileen gallagher has the details. I think its on the 31st, at 7 at chilis in middletown.everyone should come. that is all.
July 15th, 2009
Current Mood:  tired
LOOOOOONNNNGGGG couple of weeks that have been utterly exhausting.But here's whats new: I may not be able to go back to college this semesterthey denied my financial aid,and i just don't know if i am going to be able to afford it.I'm really sad about it,but I'm trying to keep up momentum. I did,however,start singing again,which is....painful and exciting. It hurts,because I miss being able to do everything that i used to be able to do with my voice. But i wanted to do it for me. I cut off that part of myself because it hurt so much to not be able to wrap myself completly in it. But I think I'm ready to get back into it again, just for me. I've always had a weird abusive relationship with music,but the undeniable fact is that its always been there. I start ballet next week too. I really wanted to start dancing again. I'm really looking forward to it. I think,if I can't go to school in the fall that it will help to have something to throw myself into. Still on the waiting list for the apartment,which is fine,because at least this way i can save up some cash. i think thats about it......cut my hair.I turn 28 in a few weeks.Lost some weight (but may have put it back on this week the way I have been eating.) fighting for a raise at work.Oh!!!!! I decided..against my better judgement..to try an online dating thing. I'm not really sure why. I'm not even completly sure that I'm ready to date, or that I neccesarily want to. I like my life, but maybe thats just a defense that i've put up.Who knows? Couldn't hurt to check it out and see. Okay...thats about all the shiny newness that is me. <3
July 10th, 2009
Current Mood:  thoughtful
Fall semester for college may not be happening, but I'm keeping up hope. pulling alot of extra hours at work, so maybe with enough scrimping i can pull it off. I'm thinking that i may take up music again. and dance.not to make a career out of it or anything. Those days are long behind me. But the fact is, music is the one consistent thing I have.I miss it. I feel empty without it;incomplete and hollow. thats just the truth of it. So...I looked into some dance classes, but I'm waiting to hear back from a few school on what their adult program will be for the fall. And as for singing goes...I was thinking of checking into some of the stuff at OCCC. It could meet a credit requirement,and help fill that part of me that is slowly dying. These past few weeks have been devasting,heartbreaking and incredibly emotional for me. I'm dealing with things in my new way.Yoga,Meditation,reading uplifting books.Still not on medication , though I will admit, today came close. I came so close to just tossing in the towel and going back to the docs.But i made it through the day and I'm pretty damn proud of that. Things hurt. Alot. That's the day to day world, and we all will muddle through. That's what we do. I'm realizing that the past..is the past. and sometimes you can't go back.Time passes. Things change. People become different creatures,almost strangers. you know them, because you would know them anywhere. the lines of their body is as familiar as your own. but something in you...something in you is changed.and thereis too much hurt.Like a valley between you. Like states. Like a country. What does this mean? *shrug* who knows? What does it ever mean? Things in me are changing. Thats really all it amounts to.music.work.dance.good literature.These are things that I know right now and know well.They are the only things I am even remotely qualified to talk about anymore really.
Current Mood:  sad
CHE: Oh what a circus! Oh what a show! Argentina has gone to town Over the death of an actress called Eva Peron We've all gone crazy Mourning all day and mourning all night Falling over ourselves to get all of the misery right Oh what an exit! That's how to go! When they're ringing your curtain down Demand to be buried like Eva Peron It's quite a sunset And good for the country in a roundabout way We've made the front page of all the world's papers today But who is this Santa Evita? Why all this howling hysterical sorrow? What kind of goddess has lived among us? How will we ever get by without her? She had her moments--she had some style The best show in town was the crowd Outside the Casa Rosada crying, "Eva Peron" But that's all gone now As soon as the smoke from the funeral clears We're all going to see how she did nothing for years!
CROWD Salve regina mater misericordiae Vita dulcedo et spes nostra Salve salve regina Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes O clemens o pia
CHE You let down your people Evita You were supposed to have been immortal That's all they wanted Not much to ask for But in the end you could not deliver Sing you fools! But you got it wrong Enjoy your prayers because you haven't got long Your queen is dead, your king is through She's not coming back to you Show business kept us all alive Since 17 October 1945 But the star has gone, the glamour's worn thin That's a pretty bad state for a state to be in Instead of government we had a stage Instead of ideas a prima donna's rage Instead of help we were given a crowd She didn't say much but she said it loud And who am I who dares to keep His head held high while millions weep? Why the exception to the rule? Opportunist? Traitor? Fool? Or just a man who grew and saw From seventeen to twenty-four His country bled, crucified? She's not the only one who's died! Sing you fools? But you got it wrong Enjoy your prayers because you haven't got long Your queen is dead, your king is through She's not coming back to you
CROWD Salve regina mater misericordiae Vita dulcedo et spes nostra Salve salve regina Peron Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes O clemens o pia (A non-descript GIRL moves through the pageantry of the funeral. She sings as the voice of the dead Evita)
GIRL Don't cry for me Argentina For I am ordinary, unimportant And undeserving of such attention Unless we all are--I think we all are Ride on my train o my people And when it's your turn to die you'll remember They fired those cannons, sang lamentations Not just for Eva, for Argentina Not just for Eva, for everybody So share my glory, so share my coffin So share my glory, so share my coffin
CHE It's our funeral too
June 19th, 2009
Current Mood:  thoughtful
Trying to find my family through online resources is like glimpsing into possible lives that I could have had. I know that sounds weird, but pages and pages of people that could be my relatives pop up, and I think...are these my brothers? Is that there giant family now? It's weird. I haven't done this before really, but I'm desperate to find them all. all my brothers, my neices...It's been so long since I've talked to any of the. But I feel like i need to do this. sigh...
June 10th, 2009
Current Mood:  sad
It always surprises me (although I guess it really shouldn't) when I encounted real , deep and violent rascism. It shouldn't; I know it's still out there, but I'm always so taken aback by it. The idea that some crazed anti- semite could walk into the Holocaust Muesuem, blocks away from the white house and start firing is....insane. My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the security guard that was killed...
March 12th, 2009
Current Mood:  sad
Current Music: brand new
OKay. It's been awhile. and there are some updates to do. Let's take it from the top: In order of the most painful and working dowards, I guess. My stepfather is not responding well to the treatments. He is weak. He is bald. He is..well...not giving up, per se, because we are too early for that. But maybe not fighting as hard as he could. My grandmother fought hard. With everything in her little body,she fought. My father didn't. In my opinion, anyway.I think he wanted to live,sure. But as far as I know, he never went to chemo. He just didn't go. ....we are waiting on results now. Back to waiting. My heart is breaking. Fuck everyone who uses that expression and doesn't get what it really means. My heart hurts so bad right now. This is not fair to do to my mother again. It's not fair to do to him. How many hit can one family take before you have nothing left ? I've been absent from alot of my friends lives for the past month or so: this would be why. I'm trying to keep the balance between everything. I'm trying to keep it together, because this time around, I'm old enough to do something with all that raw emotion in me. I also don't want to deal. with the superficial bullshit that occupies the day to day. I can't make idle chatter; I don't have the energy to fake the happy. I'm too focused on going from this minute to the next and just at this point getting through a single day. and then the next. and then the next... I want to be blaring my music right now and rocking out. I want to be curled up with a video game. I want to be out somewhere not feeling like shit. I was looking forward to spring break. Now I'm kinda not. Two free days with nothing to occupy my attention except what I choose to think about. I'm not sure what else to write really. passed 3 out of 4 midterms so far. waiting to hear about the 4th. school's good. stressed out about the amount of work. managing. Not seeing a therapist anymore. down to 2 meds a day. ? what else is there really to say?
December 23rd, 2008
Thoughts on the movie? anyone? Especially you , Hatton, since deadpool is going to be in it.
October 21st, 2008
lol @ 11:44 am
So I finally downloaded first season of ugly betty. There's this one epsiode where Betty is having a dream sequence. On the night stand next to the bed there is a copy of one of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books. :) I'm a dork.
October 17th, 2008
I've been off the meds for about two weeks now. It was hard at first, and now it just feels like i'm constantly keeping myself in check. The headaches are bad,but I get through them. I did see the doctor yesterday, and explained to him that i really can't afford the seroquel and the pristiq . I though i could, but I'm trying to put money in the bank to move. That's my priority now. So he wrote a prescription for something else, but that was about two hundred dollars. So , we are back to square one. I guess we will see what happens next month when i go back to see him. Work is work. It's not great, but it doesn't suck that bad.it pays me and that is a very good thing. plus in the next few monthes, I can have insurance. Woke up from another Bad Baby Dream. This time it was really happy. I was pregnant and telling everyone and i was so happy and beautiful. .. The phone rang about 8 something, snapped me right back out of it. So now, I'm fighting through the sadness of it, and the emotional roller coaster today is going to be. that's it. I'm boring these days.
October 9th, 2008
Current Mood:  tired
Sunday, a day that would normally find me curled up at home with a good movie, found me instead at Applefest. I hadn't been in a few years, and while a friend and I were driving around figuring out what we should do , Applefest came to mind. So off we went. Ran into Amanda and her sister in the munchkins. SInce I don't see her enough, I was sad to find her on the way out. About half an hour later, I ran into Kim,Jason,Mike, and Emily! <3 The friends new boyfrined was going to meet us. We back tracked our way to find prince charming.... Who was , in fact, charming. and beautiful. soft spoken, polite, with blonde curly locks that just magically place themselves just over is smokey blue gray eyes..... Was I jealous? Oh yes. The next few hours were spent in what I affectionatly call " New Couple Hell". New couples have that fresh little sparkle about them.They haven't been dating long enough to get irratted with one another for their quirks, and being baptised by the new relationship, the sins of all past rendezvous,flings, hook-ups and failed relationships are washed away. Or almost. The friend kept talking: about her old boyfriends, and after a while, it got in my nerves. All I could think was "Hello!! Hottie in front of you!!!Shut up about the past!" I guess thats the fundamental difference an 8 years makes. At this stage in the game, I've made my fuck ups with boys. The rules are a little more established , I guess. Who knows? I openly admitted to my friend that I covet her boyfriend. However, I secretly believe he may be an ax murderer . Nobody can be that perfect. The rest of my work week continued as per usual. Babies on the brain, money scares, and work. Wednesday night, while at work, the phone rings. I snatch it up, say the greeting. The custumer on the other end asks to speak to a pharmacist. I ask his name, and what the call pertains to. Just a little thing I like to do to the pharmacists; give them a heads up on what they are walking into . He gives me a name. I hold my breath. This is the customer famous for telling everyone what a wonderful singing voice he has. Already this week he has called to ask another technician if he can sing to her. " I just want you to tell everyone there to VOTE FOR MCAIN AND PALIN!!!! OBAMA IS A TERRORIST!!!" He keeps yammering while I keep trying to talk over him. I keep telling him that I can't entertain this conversation. I'm annoyed and want to say so much more, but pretty sure I would lose my job over it. Finally the call ends. Big sigh of relief. This weekend is catching up on mail,letter,phone calls and running off to poughkeepsie to help the fam move some stuff out of the condo there. So thats the catching up . I'm exhausted. heading off to bed!
September 28th, 2008
It is now six in the morning. I haven't slept yet. and who knew that SVU was on at 6 in the morning? sooo boooooored.
September 23rd, 2008
Current Mood:  bouncy
" You know who I wish would come to Marthaville? Buffy. Or Blade. "
September 22nd, 2008
Heat of the moment is playing at work right now. Supernatural has ruined this song for me. Can't stop laughing.
finished third season of supernatural. :( have to wait till i get home tonight for the new seasons episode.
Reading Eclipse. Jesus christ the men in this book piss me the fuck off. I'm just the tiniest bit in love with True Blood. Has anyone else seen it yet?
off to my boring day at work.
September 5th, 2008
that it might be a fucking epidemic.
August 22nd, 2008
[1] Do you have to mow your own lawn? no. I shouldn't be trusted with machinery.
[2] When’s the last time you kissed someone? I kiss my friends all the time. In the romantic sense, though, a few weeks ago when i was in arizona.
[3] Is there a TV in the room that you’re currently in? yup
[4] Have you gone on vacation in the past year? I went to arizona
[5] If so.. Where did you go? uhm...arizona.
[6] Are you allergic to any animals? nope
[7] Does your grandmother have more than one cat, if any at all? uh no. nana isn't alive anymore.
[8] Have you ever shot a living creature before? no sir.
[9] Have you ever flown first class? no, but i really want to.
[10] Do/Did/Will you play any sports in high school? i didn't play, and I kick myself for it now.
[11] Are you currently using a laptop? no. typing away on my puter.
[12] Have you ever worked at a fast food restaurant? my very first on the books job was at Arthur Treachers.
[13] Do you have any trophies? uhm..no.
[14] Pick the less annoying of the two: Myspace or Facebook? myspace
[15] What time did you wake up this morning? around nine
[16] Have you ever played on a Wii before? no! but i want to! I plan on purchasing one after I get the 360
[17] Do you have a favorite band from the 80’s? from the 80's? wow. that's so hard to choose. maybe poison?
[18] Do you like vitamin water? i sure do
[19] Have you ever ridden in the bed of a truck? yeah when I was a kid.
[20] What was the worst grade you've ever experienced? aw, man. it all pretty much went to shit after 8th grade.
[21] Do you drink soymilk? drink it, no.But i use it in coffee and cereal
[22] Do you get Chinese takeout a lot? I love me some chinese food.
[23] Has your dad been married more than once? yeah he was.
[24] Have you ever been in love? Yes. just the once.
[25] Do you like going to the library? I like having my own copies of books.
[26] When’s the last time you hugged someone? vyonne last night.
[27] Do you have any half siblings? six of them.
[28] Have you ever been to Washington DC? went there to meet my uncle when i was a kid all the time.
[29] What magazines are you subscribed to? bitch magazine, and soon to be curve.
[30] Are you any good at Guitar Hero? i suck at it.
[31] Do you make your own surveys or do you just copy and take them? copy.
[32] Would you rather use a regular or mechanical pencil? regular
[33] Did you collect Beanie Babies at any point in your life? no/
[34] What’s the nearest silver thing to you? the dock for my camera
[35] Do you use Windows Vista? i sure do.
[36] Have you ever gone swimming in a lake? yes
[37] What’s the last movie you saw in a theater? Pineapple Express
[38] When’s the last time you visited a graveyard? not in a long time.
[39] What are/were your school colors? which school? blue and gold, orange and blue.
[40] Do you want kids? yes. and soon.
[41] What’s the last thing you watched on TV? law and order
[42] Do you like staying in hotels? I love hotels.
[43] Pick one: The Beatles or The Rolling Stones? oh. toughie. beatles. [ 45] How about Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers or Led Zeppelin? heartbreakers.
[46] Did you used to watch Sesame Street when you were little? I watch it now with the baby. [ 47] Do clowns scare you? not really.
[48] What type of deodorant do you use? it comes in a pink and black container and i can't remember which brand it is now. .
[49] Where did you go the last time you went out? americanna.
[50] Where do you want to go to/attend college? well, i would like to make it back to occc in the spring, after that though I have my eye on New Paltz. te
August 21st, 2008
Someone sent this to me and I thought it was pretty cute, so I decided to share with all of you:
To all the women in my life: Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor each morning, Satan shudders and says: 'Oh Shit - she's awake!!!'
Also, Hallmark has released there new card line celebrating gay marriage. How cool is that? Heres the link:
http://news.yahoo.com/story//ap/20080821/ap_on_bi_ge/gay_wedding_cards_6
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