I'm going shopping and wanting ihop tommorow. Anyone want to come? I'm doing it because I'm going back to the hospital. I fucked up, i hurt myself and i need to go. Now that i feel better knowing i have a plan in place, I feel like nothing ever happened. But I know from last time that there are going to be things that I'm going to need. I'm going back in tommorow or tuesday. But more than likely tommorow . Anyone want to hang before i go? 
It's so stupid and random to ask. I know it makes it seem like a party when it's not. But I know I'm going, and maybe this time, i'll get it right. And seeing as how i'm not going to eat real food for however long I'm in there, i want to get my eat on tommorow. 
anyone free? get at me on my cell or leave something here. 

Otakon. 

needs to take me to see iron man. 
I missed the saturday fun with the healys. 
someone correct this situation. 
that's as good an update as anything. 

Today I didn't know where i was for a minute. Had no idea where i was, what i was holding, what i was doing. Looked around and nothing was familiar.

Finally, it clicked and things slowly came back into focus. I started recognizing people around me, that i was at work, that i was cleaning something. The radio was playing a Journey song. I think my brain has finally decided that enough was enough. I think we both did , for a moment. A long moment.

It keeps getting easier to think about. There's no sudden mental wall that comes up to say "danger danger ". I think about it when I take my easter egg arrangement of meds in the morning. then in the afternoon. then at night.

I think about it at work, all the time. It would be impossible not to. It's sort of OJ Simpson in the "here's how i would have done it" train of thought.

I am calling my counselor tommorow. Need an emergency visit. I just don't know else to do anymore. I don't know how to make this stop. I'm working so hard to stay here, and I can't figure out why. Why, if it's always going to be like this? Why if you know you will never be still, content or less guarded? Why, when i know i will make everyone - friends, family, co-workers exasperated at me because they don't understand what's happening to me.

Strangely enough, I really DON'T want to die. I just can't figure out how to live anymore.

Here's where i should switch the topic to something less ....bleak.

I'm ok. honestly. or i will be. I know what to do when i get like this. I have mobile mental health on speedial practically.

seela and i are redoing the bedroom, and i do love what we are doing to it. But then i realized, what if i'm only here for another few monthes? I can't stay here forever, even though I'm not being pushed out the door. But I need space. My own space.

I think I need a sabatoical or something. Walkabout. Anything just to make this stop.

I thought with the meds and the therapy i could work through this. But it doesn't seem to be enough and I hit points like this where I can't even recognize myself.

I'm just tired. So tired of it all. I have nothing left to fight with at this point.

but...

here i am.

and i guess thats a good start as well as anything else.

It's quite possible that he doesn't really care. Maybe I was a convient addition into what he thought he wanted with his life. All such wonderful thoughts and feelings under lock and key. 
Back to the world he knew. Temptations that he may not be able to resist. Maybe another woman who doesn't try so hard and will turn a blind eye (turn a blind eye, evita, turn a blind eye) to her surrondings.Or prehaps her brain is dead from the drugs. 
I can see her now. Familiar faces. 
Funny how we all look the same after awhile. 
Maybe he's trying to hold on. It's getting harder by the day. 
My opinion, like to most of those i care about, is worth little. A sweet young girl, what do i know? 
Does he think:
I know nothing of a hard life? 
I can't imagine the things he has seen? 
I'm a pampered little princess.
a girl who drifts by on the grace of a smile and a laugh. Who acts like a child. 

Oh, god if you only knew. 

I'm self concious and distrustful. It may just be that it's not what i thought it would be. It could be the disappointment, and how I am just so so so god damn (dot damned, for some) tired of everything. 
So exhausted with the effort of everything. So tired of lifting this weight everyday. 
I have a doctor more interested in my sex life and how i make men happy then he should be. He writes prescriptions to up the doses of meds when my counselor informes him of the panic attacks, the anxiety and the bathroom incident. 
I don't think i can do this anymore. 
I want so much from life, and I'm always unsatisfied. I feel so empty that the things i do are desperate attempts at staving off the despair i feel creeping up everyday.
This hurts bad. This day to day living. I'm cutting my skin on the sharp edges of what I saw and felt the first few days out. I want myself back so so bad. 
This isn't me. This isn't me. 
But what if it is. What if this is who i am, and that girl i was is just who i wanted to be. Not real, but someone i created to feel a distinct change in myself. 
My very own little tyler durden.
This will get better or so they tell me. They better be right.  

 It's like being hit in the chest with a rock. 
the moment your world is spinning and nothing in it looks familiar anymore. The ground has slipped away from me again I think. 
There is nothing to tether myself to, except the idea of  a better me. Somewhere in here. Somewhere in me. 
Where are you hiding little girl? 
Nothing is enough. Everything is too much. I don't think I'll  ever be still. Or at rest or satisfied. There will always be cravings and desires and possbilities never explored. 
I don't want to limit myself . But lately , not limiting myself has been less about exploring so much as clinging desperatly to something that can steady me against the current. It feels like my hands are slipping. 
There was a women i saw glimpses of when i got out. For a week or two she hung around and carried me and was trying to show me the world the way it ought to be seen. 
And oh my god, was it beautiful . So perfectly flawed and beautiful. 
But now, it's harsh again. It's full of things i see that tear me apart. Parts of the life i want. 
I'm trying to get back to being comfortable in my skin. 
But i feel like the best of me is stuck somewhere inside, hiding away, afraid to come out. 
I'm trying. Dear God, I'm trying.

there were words here. 
i decided sharing them was perhaps the worse thing to do . 
Yesterday I was bad. Very very bad. Almost wound back up in the hospital, this time not by my will. 
Today I am better. Not completly great, but I'll take better over edging toward dead. 
Yesterday there was warmth, after the storm had passed and comfort and strong arms (your arms like towers) and soft words. Yesterday I felt like our connection was back online. 
Today, I am exhausted and hurt and mildly resentful.
This can't work if we are both on constant suicide watch. 
I hurt for the things I saw and believed i could have. 
I'm choking on my disappointment and suspicsion. 
so close to touching freedom, then i hear the guards call my name. 
but ... here i am. 
still. 
still here. whereever here is anymore. 
I need a pair of red shoes to click together. 
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home. 
There's no place like home. 
Because, home hasn't been found yet. 

I'm rushing around at work, basically feeling like shit. I'm still not really over this stomach bug. I'm kinda grumpy. 
Then my phone starts ringing. 
it's him. 
we talk. 
He explains to me what's been going on. He tells me the things he is dealing with now, like the fact that he moved back to brooklyn. 
I listen. I take it all in. when there's a lull in the conversation, i speak. very quietly, very softly. " Am i too much for you right now?  do you need me to back off?" 
immediatly " no. not at all. please don't. "
so...
i guess we are back  to square one.

I'm an idiot. I talk a really good game when it comes to men, but ...there's very little follow through with me. I wanted to be all *grrr* and sing gloria gaynor and erykah badu songs - 
think you better call tyrone.....
but i didn't stick to it. Somewhere around four o'clock yesterday, i gave in and called him. Because , yes..I was worried. He was in the hospital after all the night before, and he did say he would call me when he got out. 
So , you know, after not getting the phone call....i figured maybe he was tired. and so i didn't call or anything. But the day dragged on, still nothing ...and i thought, oh man. I hope he's okay. 
So I did what any sane, rational being would do. 
I called his cell and left a message. 
then I texted him. 
and oh god- he might still be in the hospital. I should fined that out, just to be sure. He might really be in bad shape. 
And.....so I called the hospital and found out that he had been released the night before. 
....just call me jane. 
or a stalker. 
or obsessive and addicted to things that make me feel good, and when they start to hurt a bit, try to figure out why. what exactly went wrong. what was wrong with me that made it go this way. 
I know I know. Believe me , I know. 
But i can't apply all that common sense and knowledge and intellect to the way i feel. i know its him, not me. i do. 
so he did finally text me, later in the evening. 
short two to three texts, saying he was really sick. 
and that he was going back to sleep and would call me when he woke up. 
can you guess what didn't happen? 
i know i'm being a complete idiot, and i know that i should just be all like " whatever. " i should run out and have so much sex with people that i feel like i will break apart, and wash this man right out of my hair. 
how many chances is enough? how much excusing can you do? didn't i do enough of that already? 
I don't want to go back to sleeping around. I don't want anyone getting a hold of me that I don't genuinly have some feeling for. There's only been three guys in my entire life that I have really given a shit about. 
sounds like a lot,but it isn't really. not when you love the way i do. 
anyway....i swear that I will not make the first call or text today. or tommorow. or sunday. 
well...let me just get through today. 

I missed two days of work this week because i was sick. not just "hey i have a cold" sick,but some real deal pain going on in my abdomen. Writhing pain. I was vomitting, I was crying because it hurt so bad, and i wasn't sleeping. 
I went back to work yesterday, still with the pain, but at least it had ebbed a bit and i could function. 
There was a lawsuit i was supposed to be gathering info for; i've been out. I couldn't obviously get it done. When my boss asked me about it, I explained to her that I had been sick ( she was away monday and tuesday) but i would get it done that day. 
I also reminded her that I had a doctors appointment today. She rolled her eyes and told me that she doesn't even know if i want to work anymore. That I'm never there. That it's always something with me. 
and here's the magical one: 
That she understood that i had to go away and deal with some things... and then she shrugged and shook her head. 
i tightly liply told her i understood. 
Then i went to finish the lawsuit. 
In the basement, where we keep the records that i would need for this, i broke into angry , hurt tears. always something with me? terribly sorry that i have a string of doctors appointments that i have to keep. So sorry that my stint in the hospital caused a great inconvience to the scheduling. When she was calling me at the hospital to see when I was coming back, and pushing for me to give her an exact time, i understood. Just like I understand what happened yesterday. It's not personal. She's a manager, and needs certain things from her employees and I'm totally on board with that. 
But i am certainly not the worst person in that place.Drugs go out wrong all the time.That would be because the pharmacists aren't paying attention. What about her pharmacists that just sort of wander around and do whatever they want, no matter how busy we are? I know it's unfair to do the "well, you let this person do this" thing. But I can't help but think that sometimes. Because you don't always want to be fair or see all sides , and i've been saying this alot lately. I'm taking my right to be angry about the situation and to be hurt. I don't want to be logical or fair or want to see everyones side to the point where how i need things to be gets smothered beneath the weight of how everyone else feels. 
It may make me sound petty or selfish, but understand that that's really not what i'm doing . blah. whatever. 
So here's the deal now. When she said " i don't know if you want to work anymore" in that sarcastic deameaning tone, i thought: Neither do I. 
It's true that I willingly went back to work and school. I couldn't handle school , and now i'm wondering if I can handle work. 
I'm trying. I really am. But this is hard for me too. 
There hasn't been a day this week where I haven't wanted to hurt myself. Yesterday I came pretty close. It's very hard for me to get up and do ...things. Every day things. Things that should be easy, like getting dressed. Or leaving the house. 
Right now, I feel the way I did right before I went in the hospital, and that terrifies me.
So this week, I'm going to be weighing my options. 
I could continue to work. Suck it up. Mush forward. Move with it like nothing happened and push myself harder to be..whatever it is that I am lacking. 
or. 
I could quit. I could leave my job and still be okay. I DO qualify to collect disability now, and with that comes the health insurance that I desperately need. I need to see doctors, I need my medications and I can't keep up with it financially. This also gives me what I most need now. TIme. It gives me time to see my counselor twice a week, instead of once every two weeks. It gives me time to go to the group she wanted me to go into. It gives me the space I need to be okay again. I thought I was there when i got out of the hospital but what that really was  just the euphoria of being free after two weeks. I thought I had let everything go, and to a point i had. I let the things with my family go, and the things with me and lu. But things with me....those things that i didn't really want to face because they are too damn painful, i could delve into. 
I'm not the type that can be completly comfortable with accepting disability while I still can, technically work. 
But honestly, I really am not able to function. I can't concentrate, can't focus. It takes alot out of me. 
I'm not making any fast decisions here. I need to seriously think about this. But that's the little fork in the road I've come to. Another little benefit to this whole thing is i would have time to focus completly on my schoolwork. Not kill myself trying to balance anything. 
it's something to think about. 
as for me and paul, well... I don't know. I feel like I'm getting the brush off. Which may be true, may not be true, but when I haven't seen you in a week, talked to you once or twice over the phone and we've been having conversations through texting only....what else am i supposed to think? 
So...that's that i guess. He has my number; he apparently is capable of using it. 
and there it is. my update. now I have to race to work. 
<3