i had a feeling it was going to come down to this.

I missed two days of work this week because i was sick. not just "hey i have a cold" sick,but some real deal pain going on in my abdomen. Writhing pain. I was vomitting, I was crying because it hurt so bad, and i wasn't sleeping. 
I went back to work yesterday, still with the pain, but at least it had ebbed a bit and i could function. 
There was a lawsuit i was supposed to be gathering info for; i've been out. I couldn't obviously get it done. When my boss asked me about it, I explained to her that I had been sick ( she was away monday and tuesday) but i would get it done that day. 
I also reminded her that I had a doctors appointment today. She rolled her eyes and told me that she doesn't even know if i want to work anymore. That I'm never there. That it's always something with me. 
and here's the magical one: 
That she understood that i had to go away and deal with some things... and then she shrugged and shook her head. 
i tightly liply told her i understood. 
Then i went to finish the lawsuit. 
In the basement, where we keep the records that i would need for this, i broke into angry , hurt tears. always something with me? terribly sorry that i have a string of doctors appointments that i have to keep. So sorry that my stint in the hospital caused a great inconvience to the scheduling. When she was calling me at the hospital to see when I was coming back, and pushing for me to give her an exact time, i understood. Just like I understand what happened yesterday. It's not personal. She's a manager, and needs certain things from her employees and I'm totally on board with that. 
But i am certainly not the worst person in that place.Drugs go out wrong all the time.That would be because the pharmacists aren't paying attention. What about her pharmacists that just sort of wander around and do whatever they want, no matter how busy we are? I know it's unfair to do the "well, you let this person do this" thing. But I can't help but think that sometimes. Because you don't always want to be fair or see all sides , and i've been saying this alot lately. I'm taking my right to be angry about the situation and to be hurt. I don't want to be logical or fair or want to see everyones side to the point where how i need things to be gets smothered beneath the weight of how everyone else feels. 
It may make me sound petty or selfish, but understand that that's really not what i'm doing . blah. whatever. 
So here's the deal now. When she said " i don't know if you want to work anymore" in that sarcastic deameaning tone, i thought: Neither do I. 
It's true that I willingly went back to work and school. I couldn't handle school , and now i'm wondering if I can handle work. 
I'm trying. I really am. But this is hard for me too. 
There hasn't been a day this week where I haven't wanted to hurt myself. Yesterday I came pretty close. It's very hard for me to get up and do ...things. Every day things. Things that should be easy, like getting dressed. Or leaving the house. 
Right now, I feel the way I did right before I went in the hospital, and that terrifies me.
So this week, I'm going to be weighing my options. 
I could continue to work. Suck it up. Mush forward. Move with it like nothing happened and push myself harder to be..whatever it is that I am lacking. 
or. 
I could quit. I could leave my job and still be okay. I DO qualify to collect disability now, and with that comes the health insurance that I desperately need. I need to see doctors, I need my medications and I can't keep up with it financially. This also gives me what I most need now. TIme. It gives me time to see my counselor twice a week, instead of once every two weeks. It gives me time to go to the group she wanted me to go into. It gives me the space I need to be okay again. I thought I was there when i got out of the hospital but what that really was  just the euphoria of being free after two weeks. I thought I had let everything go, and to a point i had. I let the things with my family go, and the things with me and lu. But things with me....those things that i didn't really want to face because they are too damn painful, i could delve into. 
I'm not the type that can be completly comfortable with accepting disability while I still can, technically work. 
But honestly, I really am not able to function. I can't concentrate, can't focus. It takes alot out of me. 
I'm not making any fast decisions here. I need to seriously think about this. But that's the little fork in the road I've come to. Another little benefit to this whole thing is i would have time to focus completly on my schoolwork. Not kill myself trying to balance anything. 
it's something to think about. 
as for me and paul, well... I don't know. I feel like I'm getting the brush off. Which may be true, may not be true, but when I haven't seen you in a week, talked to you once or twice over the phone and we've been having conversations through texting only....what else am i supposed to think? 
So...that's that i guess. He has my number; he apparently is capable of using it. 
and there it is. my update. now I have to race to work. 
<3