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there's blood in my mouth, cause I've been biting my tongue all week.
I'm an idiot. I talk a really good game when it comes to men, but ...there's very little follow through with me. I wanted to be all *grrr* and sing gloria gaynor and erykah badu songs -
think you better call tyrone.....
but i didn't stick to it. Somewhere around four o'clock yesterday, i gave in and called him. Because , yes..I was worried. He was in the hospital after all the night before, and he did say he would call me when he got out.
So , you know, after not getting the phone call....i figured maybe he was tired. and so i didn't call or anything. But the day dragged on, still nothing ...and i thought, oh man. I hope he's okay.
So I did what any sane, rational being would do.
I called his cell and left a message.
then I texted him.
and oh god- he might still be in the hospital. I should fined that out, just to be sure. He might really be in bad shape.
And.....so I called the hospital and found out that he had been released the night before.
....just call me jane.
or a stalker.
or obsessive and addicted to things that make me feel good, and when they start to hurt a bit, try to figure out why. what exactly went wrong. what was wrong with me that made it go this way.
I know I know. Believe me , I know.
But i can't apply all that common sense and knowledge and intellect to the way i feel. i know its him, not me. i do.
so he did finally text me, later in the evening.
short two to three texts, saying he was really sick.
and that he was going back to sleep and would call me when he woke up.
can you guess what didn't happen?
i know i'm being a complete idiot, and i know that i should just be all like " whatever. " i should run out and have so much sex with people that i feel like i will break apart, and wash this man right out of my hair.
how many chances is enough? how much excusing can you do? didn't i do enough of that already?
I don't want to go back to sleeping around. I don't want anyone getting a hold of me that I don't genuinly have some feeling for. There's only been three guys in my entire life that I have really given a shit about.
sounds like a lot,but it isn't really. not when you love the way i do.
anyway....i swear that I will not make the first call or text today. or tommorow. or sunday.
well...let me just get through today.
have strength in resisting making contact if he hasn't gotten wise to how wonderful you are he obviously cannot get over his problems enough to see it remember how beautiful you and your gift are and take faith in knowing that there will come a someday-- *LOVE* be well darling; miss you