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secretly jealous of kurt cobain.
Today I didn't know where i was for a minute. Had no idea where i was, what i was holding, what i was doing. Looked around and nothing was familiar.
Finally, it clicked and things slowly came back into focus. I started recognizing people around me, that i was at work, that i was cleaning something. The radio was playing a Journey song. I think my brain has finally decided that enough was enough. I think we both did , for a moment. A long moment.
It keeps getting easier to think about. There's no sudden mental wall that comes up to say "danger danger ". I think about it when I take my easter egg arrangement of meds in the morning. then in the afternoon. then at night.
I think about it at work, all the time. It would be impossible not to. It's sort of OJ Simpson in the "here's how i would have done it" train of thought.
I am calling my counselor tommorow. Need an emergency visit. I just don't know else to do anymore. I don't know how to make this stop. I'm working so hard to stay here, and I can't figure out why. Why, if it's always going to be like this? Why if you know you will never be still, content or less guarded? Why, when i know i will make everyone - friends, family, co-workers exasperated at me because they don't understand what's happening to me.
Strangely enough, I really DON'T want to die. I just can't figure out how to live anymore.
Here's where i should switch the topic to something less ....bleak.
I'm ok. honestly. or i will be. I know what to do when i get like this. I have mobile mental health on speedial practically.
seela and i are redoing the bedroom, and i do love what we are doing to it. But then i realized, what if i'm only here for another few monthes? I can't stay here forever, even though I'm not being pushed out the door. But I need space. My own space.
I think I need a sabatoical or something. Walkabout. Anything just to make this stop.
I thought with the meds and the therapy i could work through this. But it doesn't seem to be enough and I hit points like this where I can't even recognize myself.
I'm just tired. So tired of it all. I have nothing left to fight with at this point.
but...
here i am.
and i guess thats a good start as well as anything else.
Definitely a good start, chica.
And, I will NEVER be exasperated with you. I will ALWAYS be here/there for you. Without question. Under ANY circumstance. With or without a cellphone. With or without a car. With or without any money. With or without a home. I am here/there for you. Now and always. Don't give up on yourself. I'm refuse to give up on you. You're a flickering light of beauty that surpasses other gleams of light that I have come across. You are one of the few lights that shine the brightest to me. You're radiant light, keeps me going. Let's me know that, even though my life is shit right now, there's always a light. Leading me and guiding my way through the darkness. I believe that you and I are side by side, on that path through the darkness. Yes, our paths are obstructed somewhat different but, we both have the same goals. To be happy. To be accepted. To be unique. To be loved. To be at one with ourselves. To know who we truly are and to be happy once we have found it. As many of us will say, I love you, Kelly. Always have. Always will. We'll help eachother through the darkness. Together.