Call me a safe bet

who wants to join me?

2008-05-05T02:36:00Z

I'm going shopping and wanting ihop tommorow. Anyone want to come? I'm doing it because I'm going back to the hospital. I fucked up, i hurt myself and i need to go. Now that i feel better knowing i have a plan in place, I feel like nothing ever happened. But I know from last time that there are going to be things that I'm going to need. I'm going back in tommorow or tuesday. But more than likely tommorow . Anyone want to hang before i go?
It's so stupid and random to ask. I know it makes it seem like a party when it's not. But I know I'm going, and maybe this time, i'll get it right. And seeing as how i'm not going to eat real food for however long I'm in there, i want to get my eat on tommorow.
anyone free? get at me on my cell or leave something here.

and also

2008-05-04T00:02:53Z

Otakon.

someone...

2008-05-04T00:02:10Z

needs to take me to see iron man.
I missed the saturday fun with the healys.
someone correct this situation.
that's as good an update as anything.

secretly jealous of kurt cobain.

2008-04-30T03:28:46Z

Today I didn't know where i was for a minute. Had no idea where i was, what i was holding, what i was doing. Looked around and nothing was familiar.

Finally, it clicked and things slowly came back into focus. I started recognizing people around me, that i was at work, that i was cleaning something. The radio was playing a Journey song. I think my brain has finally decided that enough was enough. I think we both did , for a moment. A long moment.

It keeps getting easier to think about. There's no sudden mental wall that comes up to say "danger danger ". I think about it when I take my easter egg arrangement of meds in the morning. then in the afternoon. then at night.

I think about it at work, all the time. It would be impossible not to. It's sort of OJ Simpson in the "here's how i would have done it" train of thought.

I am calling my counselor tommorow. Need an emergency visit. I just don't know else to do anymore. I don't know how to make this stop. I'm working so hard to stay here, and I can't figure out why. Why, if it's always going to be like this? Why if you know you will never be still, content or less guarded? Why, when i know i will make everyone - friends, family, co-workers exasperated at me because they don't understand what's happening to me.

Strangely enough, I really DON'T want to die. I just can't figure out how to live anymore.

Here's where i should switch the topic to something less ....bleak.

I'm ok. honestly. or i will be. I know what to do when i get like this. I have mobile mental health on speedial practically.

seela and i are redoing the bedroom, and i do love what we are doing to it. But then i realized, what if i'm only here for another few monthes? I can't stay here forever, even though I'm not being pushed out the door. But I need space. My own space.

I think I need a sabatoical or something. Walkabout. Anything just to make this stop.

I thought with the meds and the therapy i could work through this. But it doesn't seem to be enough and I hit points like this where I can't even recognize myself.

I'm just tired. So tired of it all. I have nothing left to fight with at this point.

but...

here i am.

and i guess thats a good start as well as anything else.

it's all in what's unsaid

2008-04-21T03:37:50Z

It's quite possible that he doesn't really care. Maybe I was a convient addition into what he thought he wanted with his life. All such wonderful thoughts and feelings under lock and key.
Back to the world he knew. Temptations that he may not be able to resist. Maybe another woman who doesn't try so hard and will turn a blind eye (turn a blind eye, evita, turn a blind eye) to her surrondings.Or prehaps her brain is dead from the drugs.
I can see her now. Familiar faces.
Funny how we all look the same after awhile.
Maybe he's trying to hold on. It's getting harder by the day.
My opinion, like to most of those i care about, is worth little. A sweet young girl, what do i know?
Does he think:
I know nothing of a hard life?
I can't imagine the things he has seen?
I'm a pampered little princess.
a girl who drifts by on the grace of a smile and a laugh. Who acts like a child.

Oh, god if you only knew.

I'm self concious and distrustful. It may just be that it's not what i thought it would be. It could be the disappointment, and how I am just so so so god damn (dot damned, for some) tired of everything.
So exhausted with the effort of everything. So tired of lifting this weight everyday.
I have a doctor more interested in my sex life and how i make men happy then he should be. He writes prescriptions to up the doses of meds when my counselor informes him of the panic attacks, the anxiety and the bathroom incident.
I don't think i can do this anymore.
I want so much from life, and I'm always unsatisfied. I feel so empty that the things i do are desperate attempts at staving off the despair i feel creeping up everyday.
This hurts bad. This day to day living. I'm cutting my skin on the sharp edges of what I saw and felt the first few days out. I want myself back so so bad.
This isn't me. This isn't me.
But what if it is. What if this is who i am, and that girl i was is just who i wanted to be. Not real, but someone i created to feel a distinct change in myself.
My very own little tyler durden.
This will get better or so they tell me. They better be right.

digging out the demons in my head

2008-04-20T03:26:02Z

It's like being hit in the chest with a rock.
the moment your world is spinning and nothing in it looks familiar anymore. The ground has slipped away from me again I think.
There is nothing to tether myself to, except the idea of a better me. Somewhere in here. Somewhere in me.
Where are you hiding little girl?
Nothing is enough. Everything is too much. I don't think I'll ever be still. Or at rest or satisfied. There will always be cravings and desires and possbilities never explored.
I don't want to limit myself . But lately , not limiting myself has been less about exploring so much as clinging desperatly to something that can steady me against the current. It feels like my hands are slipping.
There was a women i saw glimpses of when i got out. For a week or two she hung around and carried me and was trying to show me the world the way it ought to be seen.
And oh my god, was it beautiful . So perfectly flawed and beautiful.
But now, it's harsh again. It's full of things i see that tear me apart. Parts of the life i want.
I'm trying to get back to being comfortable in my skin.
But i feel like the best of me is stuck somewhere inside, hiding away, afraid to come out.
I'm trying. Dear God, I'm trying.

with all the time i have, i'm an insult to the dead.

2008-04-16T02:26:08Z

there were words here.
i decided sharing them was perhaps the worse thing to do .
Yesterday I was bad. Very very bad. Almost wound back up in the hospital, this time not by my will.
Today I am better. Not completly great, but I'll take better over edging toward dead.
Yesterday there was warmth, after the storm had passed and comfort and strong arms (your arms like towers) and soft words. Yesterday I felt like our connection was back online.
Today, I am exhausted and hurt and mildly resentful.
This can't work if we are both on constant suicide watch.
I hurt for the things I saw and believed i could have.
I'm choking on my disappointment and suspicsion.
so close to touching freedom, then i hear the guards call my name.
but ... here i am.
still.
still here. whereever here is anymore.
I need a pair of red shoes to click together.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Because, home hasn't been found yet.

like he had some radar...

2008-04-04T20:57:22Z

I'm rushing around at work, basically feeling like shit. I'm still not really over this stomach bug. I'm kinda grumpy.
Then my phone starts ringing.
it's him.
we talk.
He explains to me what's been going on. He tells me the things he is dealing with now, like the fact that he moved back to brooklyn.
I listen. I take it all in. when there's a lull in the conversation, i speak. very quietly, very softly. " Am i too much for you right now? do you need me to back off?"
immediatly " no. not at all. please don't. "
so...
i guess we are back to square one.

there's blood in my mouth, cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

2008-04-04T16:06:07Z

I'm an idiot. I talk a really good game when it comes to men, but ...there's very little follow through with me. I wanted to be all *grrr* and sing gloria gaynor and erykah badu songs -
think you better call tyrone.....
but i didn't stick to it. Somewhere around four o'clock yesterday, i gave in and called him. Because , yes..I was worried. He was in the hospital after all the night before, and he did say he would call me when he got out.
So , you know, after not getting the phone call....i figured maybe he was tired. and so i didn't call or anything. But the day dragged on, still nothing ...and i thought, oh man. I hope he's okay.
So I did what any sane, rational being would do.
I called his cell and left a message.
then I texted him.
and oh god- he might still be in the hospital. I should fined that out, just to be sure. He might really be in bad shape.
And.....so I called the hospital and found out that he had been released the night before.
....just call me jane.
or a stalker.
or obsessive and addicted to things that make me feel good, and when they start to hurt a bit, try to figure out why. what exactly went wrong. what was wrong with me that made it go this way.
I know I know. Believe me , I know.
But i can't apply all that common sense and knowledge and intellect to the way i feel. i know its him, not me. i do.
so he did finally text me, later in the evening.
short two to three texts, saying he was really sick.
and that he was going back to sleep and would call me when he woke up.
can you guess what didn't happen?
i know i'm being a complete idiot, and i know that i should just be all like " whatever. " i should run out and have so much sex with people that i feel like i will break apart, and wash this man right out of my hair.
how many chances is enough? how much excusing can you do? didn't i do enough of that already?
I don't want to go back to sleeping around. I don't want anyone getting a hold of me that I don't genuinly have some feeling for. There's only been three guys in my entire life that I have really given a shit about.
sounds like a lot,but it isn't really. not when you love the way i do.
anyway....i swear that I will not make the first call or text today. or tommorow. or sunday.
well...let me just get through today.

i had a feeling it was going to come down to this.

2008-04-03T13:52:05Z

I missed two days of work this week because i was sick. not just "hey i have a cold" sick,but some real deal pain going on in my abdomen. Writhing pain. I was vomitting, I was crying because it hurt so bad, and i wasn't sleeping.
I went back to work yesterday, still with the pain, but at least it had ebbed a bit and i could function.
There was a lawsuit i was supposed to be gathering info for; i've been out. I couldn't obviously get it done. When my boss asked me about it, I explained to her that I had been sick ( she was away monday and tuesday) but i would get it done that day.
I also reminded her that I had a doctors appointment today. She rolled her eyes and told me that she doesn't even know if i want to work anymore. That I'm never there. That it's always something with me.
and here's the magical one:
That she understood that i had to go away and deal with some things... and then she shrugged and shook her head.
i tightly liply told her i understood.
Then i went to finish the lawsuit.
In the basement, where we keep the records that i would need for this, i broke into angry , hurt tears. always something with me? terribly sorry that i have a string of doctors appointments that i have to keep. So sorry that my stint in the hospital caused a great inconvience to the scheduling. When she was calling me at the hospital to see when I was coming back, and pushing for me to give her an exact time, i understood. Just like I understand what happened yesterday. It's not personal. She's a manager, and needs certain things from her employees and I'm totally on board with that.
But i am certainly not the worst person in that place.Drugs go out wrong all the time.That would be because the pharmacists aren't paying attention. What about her pharmacists that just sort of wander around and do whatever they want, no matter how busy we are? I know it's unfair to do the "well, you let this person do this" thing. But I can't help but think that sometimes. Because you don't always want to be fair or see all sides , and i've been saying this alot lately. I'm taking my right to be angry about the situation and to be hurt. I don't want to be logical or fair or want to see everyones side to the point where how i need things to be gets smothered beneath the weight of how everyone else feels.
It may make me sound petty or selfish, but understand that that's really not what i'm doing . blah. whatever.
So here's the deal now. When she said " i don't know if you want to work anymore" in that sarcastic deameaning tone, i thought: Neither do I.
It's true that I willingly went back to work and school. I couldn't handle school , and now i'm wondering if I can handle work.
I'm trying. I really am. But this is hard for me too.
There hasn't been a day this week where I haven't wanted to hurt myself. Yesterday I came pretty close. It's very hard for me to get up and do ...things. Every day things. Things that should be easy, like getting dressed. Or leaving the house.
Right now, I feel the way I did right before I went in the hospital, and that terrifies me.
So this week, I'm going to be weighing my options.
I could continue to work. Suck it up. Mush forward. Move with it like nothing happened and push myself harder to be..whatever it is that I am lacking.
or.
I could quit. I could leave my job and still be okay. I DO qualify to collect disability now, and with that comes the health insurance that I desperately need. I need to see doctors, I need my medications and I can't keep up with it financially. This also gives me what I most need now. TIme. It gives me time to see my counselor twice a week, instead of once every two weeks. It gives me time to go to the group she wanted me to go into. It gives me the space I need to be okay again. I thought I was there when i got out of the hospital but what that really was just the euphoria of being free after two weeks. I thought I had let everything go, and to a point i had. I let the things with my family go, and the things with me and lu. But things with me....those things that i didn't really want to face because they are too damn painful, i could delve into.
I'm not the type that can be completly comfortable with accepting disability while I still can, technically work.
But honestly, I really am not able to function. I can't concentrate, can't focus. It takes alot out of me.
I'm not making any fast decisions here. I need to seriously think about this. But that's the little fork in the road I've come to. Another little benefit to this whole thing is i would have time to focus completly on my schoolwork. Not kill myself trying to balance anything.
it's something to think about.
as for me and paul, well... I don't know. I feel like I'm getting the brush off. Which may be true, may not be true, but when I haven't seen you in a week, talked to you once or twice over the phone and we've been having conversations through texting only....what else am i supposed to think?
So...that's that i guess. He has my number; he apparently is capable of using it.
and there it is. my update. now I have to race to work.
<3

ok gentleman. give it to me raw.

2008-04-01T16:53:58Z

A recent conversation with a friend in which we were hashing out our very similar situations has peeked my curiousity. Now, I know that none of you are the same by any means, but I decided that polling the guys on this might give me a point to start from. So , aid in my research.

What makes you want to get into a relationship with a person? What do you look for, what makes you back off?

It can be basic stuff. Looks, personality and attitude. But i’m wondering how deep it goes. What actually qualities (values,morals, family life) do you look for, or do you even look that far?

I’m really serious about this and I want every male who can read this to respond. Everyone. Even if we don’t talk outside of myspace give me your input. I’m only asking for the male opinion because I’m contrasting the male/female dynamic. So let’s hear it.

Thanks!

A night at the opera

2008-04-01T00:40:11Z

This must be what it feels like to be my friends, who have continually watched me hurt myself over and over. I have a pension for distruction, and will break myself apart it anyway possible. I like to hurt.
To watch him going through this, to hear the tightness in his voice and the anger and his insistense to keep me at a distance makes me think how hard i've been on the people who undyingly and unquestionably go above and beyond to make me feel safe. To make me know that they love me.
It's too early in this to be going through this; It reminds me too much of my family. It makes me feel like i did when my dad left, when my brother was arrestted , when lu and i broke up. The three most pinnacle men in my life and all the hurt, and now I see it again. As an adult this time, I understand it better. Having been in that mindset , I know what a hell it can be.
Part of me wants to say " Go, then. Waste the life you've been given with the drugs and alchohol that almost killed you. If this is how you want to die, shaking on a cot in the ER, then do it. I can't stop you. "
Another part of me says: " I can only walk this line with you so long. You thrive in confinement; the outside world offers none of the security of hospitals. But if you had given me a chance, I swear to you , you would see life in new ways. "
Because yes.
yes i am that damn good at what i do. in bed, outside of it, when i really am myself and drop my defenses, I can shake your world in ways you might not have thought possible.
There have been only a small , very small- less than a handful, of people i've wanted to give that gift to. all I have been selfish with, one i knew i was asking too much and wanted too much from a man already committed to someone else. One I will never stop bleeding over.
So what am I now? I'm not the girlfriend, a little bit more than a friend. I'm sick of being the girl that doesn't get to be in a dating scenario because " things are just too confusing now. "
A friend asked me this week why I just don't fuck them and leave them.
Been there. Done that. It gets old. For me anyway. I got tired of chipping off bits of myself and giving them up to men who really meant nothing to me or even if they did, i would never mean anything to them.
The funny thing about this all is that I never saw it coming.
Stupid. Sad sad silly little girl.
I guess had made that classic error of building something up in your mind, of believing it will be a certain way, a desperate desperate hope that it will be, and then being utterly astounded when it doesn't go the way you planned.
Not only is this not what i planned, it's completly the exact oppiosite of it.
This might just be a million things that I'm overlooking: it might be the anxiety/bipolar demon, the stress of getting out just two weeks ago from the rehab, and the realization that you hsve to get your shit together.
We might have romanticzed the whole thing in the safety of enclosed walls, and through letters to make a connection through the next month.
It could be a whole mess of things.
EIther way , I didn't sign on for it.
So I'm letting go. He needs to come to me this time. Come to the realization that , like Alicia Keys says, Baby , you know I'm worth it.
No more build up. No more romantic fantasy. That's never really been my style anyway.
Guess we'll see where this winds up.

from feministing.com.

2008-03-27T19:24:54Z

Making girls skinnier, one Sweet Valley High book at a time

I don't know about you, but I was obsessed with Sweet Valley High when I was a kid. (Though I was always pissed that the Jessica character was the vapid one, while Elizabeth was the cool, smart reporter type.)

Well, it seems that Random House is re-releasing the series with a new modern twist: skinnier twins.

To publicize the re-release of teen fiction series Sweet Valley High, Random House Children's Books sent a letter to journalists highlighting the changes made to the content of the 1980s paperbacks. New cover girl Leven Rambin (pictured) was not mentioned, but just to make sure preteen and teenaged girl readers are sufficiently insecure about their bodies, the publisher made the "perfect" clothing size a couple of notches more restrictive.

In a side-by-side column comapring the 1983 version of the book with the present one, publishers write that the previous characters were a "perfect size 6." Now, they're a "perfect size 4." Charming. The next SVH book? Nipping it in the Bud: Elizabeth's Designer Vagina.

Where i want to go sometime. maybe bday

2008-03-24T16:17:27Z

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.geisharestaurant.com/img/geisha.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.geisharestaurant.com/&h=449&w=770&sz=28&hl=en&start=49&um=1&tbnid=4oJVggdxfR_MbM:&tbnh=83&tbnw=142&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgeisha%26start%3D40%26ndsp%3D20%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3Dcom.microsoft:*:IE-SearchBox%26rlz%3D1I7ADBF%26sa%3DN

sunny came home with a list of names

2008-03-23T22:57:37Z

Is there something about me that makes men freak out? or scares them? Am i seriously not the girl you get into a relationship with? I understand that I'm intense at times, but you know what, I'm proud of that. It's who I am. But does that intenseness put people off? What directly the fuck is it about me that always makes me fall just short of being good enough? Honestly, just what the fuck?
"I don't want to hurt you. "
Oh for fucks sake! I can handle it ! God that is such a bullshit cop out. Here's some others I've been told:
I'm just confused.
I need to get myself together first.
You need someone better than me.
You're just too much sometimes ( that one will always be my faviorite , I think, because when i asked what it was about me that made him feel that way , he just shrugged)
Okay, so here's the impression i have now. I am not in fact worth staying around for. I am the girl that will give you a blow job on the first date, who want to buy you dinner for a change. I get excited by little things ( like ice cream) I can go from classy to ghetto in three seconds, and then act childish . I can be petty , jealous and impatient. I don't just want your respect, I fucking demand it.
I play by my rules. I live my truth. I'm vocal about the things that I don't agree with, and I'm strong in my opinions. I like to talk: about books, movies and history. I like debate. I like to stretch my brain instead of spreading my legs for a change.
And trust me on this, either one will get you off.
So what. What is this ...thing...or phermone or energy or look that i radiate that says " fuck her. But don't stay with her. Don't love her."
I'm radical sometimes, and passionate. I read fem literature, am pro-choice and support the GLBT community. I've been through, i carry the scars to prove it.
But in all of that, I have alot of love. Alot. The kind of love that someone who has stared death in the eye, who almost lost it all, who gave up, but came back can have. I want to love someone in ways that they never believed someone could love them. I don't ask that you be home every night. I don't ask that you don't watch porno, don't have your friends over. I don't expect you to want to shopping with me, and see every movie i want to see or even agree with me all the fucking time.
I just want my space to be respected, my way of living to be respected, myself respected.
Too intense for you?
Jesus. What the fuck.
I know I'm reading too much into shit right now, but you know what? I'm a little fucking tired too. I'm tired of walking the line between happy and miserable and living in fear that my ground will collapse beneath me and i will end up back in the hospital. I'm tired of always hearing the same shit from guys.
okay. now i'm ranting. and ranting is starting to sound like whining. Eddie Izzars and Sylvia Plath tonight, i think.
Night.

Dear Amanda manda

2008-03-21T18:36:07Z

i was walking around today in thruway, trying to find something to drown my insanity in today, and after spending five minutes in the ice cream aisle and getting disgusted, i had a very funny thought:
"Self pity makes my dick soft."

Brian Kinney-isms need to be on t-shirts.

wiltessa @ 2008-03-21T09:03:00

2008-03-21T13:03:52Z

Inevitability.

I tried really hard to not have to withdraw from the semester. But I can’t do it. I’m fucking myself up again. I’m not able to keep the balance between work and school. I need to see my friends. I can’t keep bouncing around like this.

I’ve spent two days staying awake , not taking my medication so that I could work through the night and get everything done.

Yesterday morning was about breaking into tears on my way to work. Last night into this morning was about vomitting and not sleeping and shaking . And feeling completly off balance by not having the meds. I haven’t eaten a meal in a week, and I’m scared. So, I’m going to take a medical leave and start it up again come the summer.

I’m so not okay with this. It makes me feel extremely defeated. But it’s better than ending up back in the hospital.

I really really hate this.

okay. I admit it. I'm in love with it.

2008-03-21T03:34:39Z

So I have this album on my ipod, that has a song called Dorothy at Forty, and when it came on today, I went into giggle fits and tried to call you on my cell, but...i didn't have your number. So anyway!!!! Here ya go, just cause , you know. For giggle purposes.
okay.
I admit it.
I'm a fucking fan girl.

Dorthy At Forty - Cursive

Dorothy, I know you've had amazing dreams
We can't go chasing down each golden street
Each and every rainbow, each passion, each unattainable goal
We're not in dreamland anymore

Dorothy, it seems you'll never understand
This here land is everything we have
Every sweat-stained collar, every dollar,
every bent and bloodied spur
We're not the kids that we once were
We can't be the adults we want to be

Dreams are all you have, dreams have held you back
Dreamers never live, only dream of it
Dream cars, dream houses, dream jobs, dream spouses
Dreams of tornadoes, cities of emerald

And I know we swore we'd make more of ourselves
but this plot is literally our lot in life.

American dreams pollute our cities
Our piece of the pie can't fill our bellies
(More!) More square inches
(More!) Picket fences
(More!) Clothes on the line
(More!) Naps at noontime
More of our fair share
More of our birthright
More of what we're owed

More...

Paid vacation
(More!) Entertainment
(More!) Compensation
(More!) Gratuitous gratification

Dorothy, wake up, Dorothy, wake up
Dorothy, wake up, it's time for work

JAMIE!!!!!!JAMIE JAMIE JAMIE!!!

2008-03-20T02:04:11Z

<---------------------------------------------------------------
Lookie at the icon!!! see!!! it's green and all emeraldy like and stuff and i thought you should see it in case you want to use it or something and okay i really really miss you and am going to make a weekend to come and see you and i've had mountain dew today which makes me very much like i'm smoking rocks. kay.
love you! you are my new emerald!
xoxoxo
Kelly
write!!! next chapter please!!!

the ugly organ

2008-03-16T01:56:03Z

I'm warning everyone right now. This is where I get all types of personal. and broken in my writing. if you can't deal with it, don't read the entry. I know damn well that there is a better forum for this. I'm not a fucking idiot. But I'm a little to pissed right to give a fuck.

After getting out of work today, I had the brillant idea that cleaning out the storage unit would be good. YAY! storage unit cleaning! I get to weed through my junk and organize it and it will be fun.....
Yeah.
Fuck you brain for thinking that would be a " fun" thing. My brain set me up.

Fun fact about the storage unit- it's not just my stuff in there. It's mine and Lu's . Mostly Lu's. So I get shift through all of our shit and decide what get's kept and what doesn't on the forty dollar a month unit that i'm paying for.
Sitting there, im a back corner of the unit, looking at the mountain of stuff, and throwing out magazines, old video cassettes....just fuck .
God damn it. I ranted and threw shit around in there and cried . I was sad for a bit, but then it changed to anger.
You stupid son of a bitch. You never once fought for me. You let me go all the time. I was never on the pro side of the list. I was there when everything else didn't work out. You left me for erica. you left me for melissa. you sat in the room and let presely call me a bitch and fucking did nothing. you let your cousin post a poem about shit that was between you and me , and you have no idea what that did to me.
It was hard for you?!! Fuck you. fuck you for that. Fuck you for dumping that shit on me for years. making it seem like i had some fucking standard to live up to. Hard for you ? I did everything for you. I took your shit for years and let you not appreciate me and let you make my depression as a fucking excuse for you to run away all the time.
yeah. you did that for us. you did that so you could go have sex with people. because i wasn't enough. because you felt smothered and pressured and somehow, everything that i was just wasn't fucking good enough.
you told me i needed to change.
i needed to change.
me.
so you went after these paper thin girls all the time. then would come over and fuck me. these little waifs. tiny little women, in tiny little clothes who were fun to be with.
you told me i was the girl you marry, the mother type.
Not the girl you have fun with.
jesus christ. I didn't think that i could bleed over this like i do. and did.
because, really , let's not forget that.
because while your good friend was trying very very very hard to get me into his bed, i was busy trying to die. I was fucking and drinking and using hoping that my luck would run out and it would just be fucking over.
the night he first talked to me...really talked to me, the night before mike went to college he bought me into the bathroom and talked to me. for hours. and made it seem like he was actually interested. honestly, i'm not that stupid. but a part of me wanted to believe that someone could actually like me.
yeah. while going through my first battle with the eating disorder.
there we go. out out out . my pandora's box.
the night he did that, while i had been sitting in our apartment. where our shit was. and was being treated like i didn't belong there. and was made it feel like an outsider. looking around and realizing that everything...everything about us had been packed away. it was mike and kenny's place now.
that night...that night was when i decided it was over for me.
i was going to go back to my little bedroom that had been payed for with the money i was going to use for college. and it was going to end. that night , i had decided was going to be where it finally stopped.
so yes, things went where they shouldn't have. and i will never stop carrying the guilt for that.
but don't think for a second that i didn't hurt.
i'm not talking about the emotional. that's a given.
but the way he treated me. like i was a fucking whore he could use anyway he wanted to. I had bruises and scratches and bled.
but part of me said " good. " this is what you deserve. so into bed saturday nights, on the train sunday ass early, and right to work in jersey.
my birthday. when few of my friends showed up and a whole group of people that i didn't even know and i was hating it all over again. And he showed up and talked to me like i was some bitch off the street.
we hated it each other at that point. hated what we were doing. hated everything about it.
told you this would get ugly..........
I bled that night. So much that i thought i had torn something. and i was told that i had to sleep on the couch because he didn't want blood in the bed. by that point i was cleaned up and not bleeding anymore. so he went off to his room and left me naked ,crying and scared to shit on the guest bed.
tell me again how hard this was for you.
die. i wouldn't to fucking die. i was begging for it to happen. Make light of that how ever you want. however anyone wants. but you've never been there. you think you have. but you haven't.
and now.
now there is someone who appreciates me. who keeps thinking of things we could do together. who wants to take me places that i haven't seen and wants to show me his life.
who is leaving a hospital and coming to see me.
whose shoulder i cried on one night at the hospital where guess what-
i was trying to break the mirror in the bathroom so i could rip my skin open.
so let everyone think whatever about this. about me dating someone and letting it go where it will. not holding back myself because some part of me is waiting for you to come home.
i'm trying. i'm trying to let someone else in.
but sometimes...jesus fucking christ..i look around and think how we just feel the fuck apart.
i have to stop now. enough brand new listening. enough of it.
I will wake up tommorow and will once again be at peace with life again. right now, though...right now i need to be a little *miffed*

the aftermath of the hospital

2008-03-14T23:52:02Z

Okay. I get it. Hospitals stays are not cheap, especially without insurance. I'm on board with that. And maybe this is just angry ranting.
but really -
Why the fuck do i have three charges on my statement for urine testing?!!!? I pissed once into a cup! 'xuse me, what the fuck?!!! And your charging me for leaving the hospital???! Pardon me, but i packed my own shit, got my own ride, and oh yeah - had to track you people down for my discharge papers so i wouldn't fail out of college and could return to work. Not to mention, I'm still waiting on the god damn paper work for the disability I'm entitled to , which has to be submitted , like, yesterday.
so...i'm stuck with the grand total of a 15,000 dollars in hospital bills. oh yeah, and they want the money by the end of the month.
silly silly silly .
Counseling session went sorta okay today. not our best, because i was exhausted (been awake since 4:30) , and she looked like she just wasn't in the mood. So it was quick , with some talking and plan making and a strongly worded recomendation that i join a group in the middletown that runs for two hours. It's for the bipolar and the other thing which still has a habit of getting stuck in the back of my throat and concealed. I can talk about it with my friends, sort of. Not for long durations really. It makes me all uncomfortable. See , I can talk about it here without actually talking about it.
blah .
fucking doctors bills and hospital bills and nonsense about me not be able to get goverment help at -fucking- all. Or insurance through my job. Fuckity fuck fuck.
oh! But awesome sauce of the day- saw Manda Manda !! Pika Pika shuuuuuuuuichiii! I stare at you with a justinish grin! And I'm liking it so far so thank you !
Grumble.. grumble...going to go clean my room and try not to shred the bills .
Reeces Peices
Kelly to the mother effing face.

things i hate

2008-03-12T17:47:49Z

freezing my ass off because this college has never heard of heat, apparently
having to work right after class
not having any money and being hungry
girls who sit on the floor of the computer library, typing away at their laptops and being nothing but loud and annoying and have the nerve to look at me funny when i also trip over their asses on my way to the printer.
spiders.

i feel like i should be singing a rhianna song or something...

2008-03-04T01:18:27Z

I think I've lost my mind.I ...I can't stop. This is addiction at it's worse. I feel dirty, ashamed and wrong. just wrong.
I just can't stop listening to britney spears. my itunes has way to many spears songs on it.
I feel like I can crack a davinci code like mystery if i listen to her music. Like somewhere , I'll be able to point and say " RIGHT THERE!! THAT'S WHERE THAT BITCH CRACKED LIKE AN EGG!"
I'm ...fascinated. It's like a train wreck or car crash. can't stop looking.
le sigh...
*ahem* anyway...
Still playing catch up with school. Need to be done with it all this week. At least I want it to be. It's causing some anxiety, and I'm trying to squash all of that out . Lot's of long nights in my future , i think.
I have an appointment with social services on the 6th. Hopefully I will be able to get benefits so that my medication can at least be covered. without that I'm out of luck .
Suprisingly , heard from paul today. He had said that they didn't allow calls from thier payphone at the rehab, but when he got there, he found out that had changed. So we only got to talk for ten minutes- it was worth it. plans are in the works for me to see him on sunday.
Things are going smooth so far. had a couple of bumpy moments being back and all, but they happen. I can't expect everything to fall into place immediatly or anything.so I'm getting through it.
that's pretty much all that's new or not so new and exciting in my world.
xoxo

as i am

2008-02-23T01:30:19Z

This is what I think.
I'm fickle and selfish alot of the time. I want everything out of the world. If I could I would have three careers at the same time, own two homes on two different continents and have a million kids everywhere.
I know it's impossible to want two things like I want these two things.
No matter how this all plays out, someone is going to hurt and carry these wounds for a long time after.
It doesn't matter what I do. I'm going to hurt someone.
And this, all of this, is pushing me again. It's shaking me up. I'm back to crying at least every hour. Every song I listen to makes me feel guilty someway. Ridiculous, I know. But that's what i get for listening to the music i listen to.
I wanted something clean and fresh . I wanted something without the guilt, the suspicions, the rift of hurt and words that never were said, and words we wish each other never heard.
I wanted something that didn't make me ashamed, and didn't make me feel guilty or dirty.
But no matter what, that guilt is going to be there. I can't expect it not to. But guilt with me morphes into other stuff and gets taken above and beyond what it should be. I know this, but I can't stop it.
Paul is back in the hospital. The doc's are talking rehab. He's talking about it being a good idea until he gets his head right. He hasn't used in over a year. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want to drag me into this, that i just got out and i don't need this sending me right back in.
what he doesn't get is I do need this.
I do need to be happy again and loved again. I need someone to look at me and not just see "the healy house whore" or see someone they can have a quick fuck with and then be on their way.
I need this. I do. I'm happy.
despite the pain in my chest.
the tears in my eyes
the rock in my stomach.
and my personal demons that keeping threatning to suck me back in to that sick little part of brain that only wants to hurt, bleed, and starve. That part in me that looks at all 5 of my medications and thinks that taking them all would at least provide a peaceful way to go.
I'm diaster to the people in my life. All I do is take, and have stopped giving back.
I'm beginning to think my happiness might have actually been a lie.
Maybe I never really got over anything those days i spent in the hospital.

if i deserve this chance....

2008-02-20T18:14:29Z

Why does it have to hurt so much?
Maybe this is fucked up of me. Maybe after all the scars we left on each other, and all the chunks we take out of each other, maybe this..maybe this is the thing that makes me foul. and a horrible person.
Love is clumsy. It is an animal in you. Once your in it, it can choke you ,crush you, or raise you up and give you new found strength and a new lease on life. Most times, it does both.
This may not be right of me.