call me a safe bet

Dear Jeanette

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 14:04:28 GMT

I am now the proud owner of 11 of the deryni books. Oh ebay is an evil thing. They were like Ten dollars. I blame you for giving me the itch to read them all again.
Now all I need is the valdemar books, the amelia peabody books and my francis books (which i still do have in storage) and i will have my faviorite books surronding me again.
I consider this my consellation prize for having to work this week.
Also the mary and elizabeth book i borrowed from you is so good i want to put it on a sandwhich and eat it.

Writer's Block: Youthful Transgressions

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 00:17:45 GMT

What mistake made in your youth do you most regret now?

View 504 Answers

I wish family stuff hadn't gotten in the way of my music. I feel like I will always regret not pushing harder for it. That will always haunt me and hurt me.

something something something

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:19:39 GMT

I have been informed that I am having a get together for my birthday. The lovely ms. eileen gallagher has the details. I think its on the 31st, at 7 at chilis in middletown.everyone should come.
that is all.

Lets play where are they now?...

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 01:45:52 GMT

LOOOOOONNNNGGGG couple of weeks that have been utterly exhausting.But here's whats new:

I may not be able to go back to college this semesterthey denied my financial aid,and i just don't know if i am going to be able to afford it.I'm really sad about it,but I'm trying to keep up momentum.
I did,however,start singing again,which is....painful and exciting. It hurts,because I miss being able to do everything that i used to be able to do with my voice. But i wanted to do it for me. I cut off that part of myself because it hurt so much to not be able to wrap myself completly in it. But I think I'm ready to get back into it again, just for me. I've always had a weird abusive relationship with music,but the undeniable fact is that its always been there.
I start ballet next week too. I really wanted to start dancing again. I'm really looking forward to it. I think,if I can't go to school in the fall that it will help to have something to throw myself into.
Still on the waiting list for the apartment,which is fine,because at least this way i can save up some cash.
i think thats about it......cut my hair.I turn 28 in a few weeks.Lost some weight (but may have put it back on this week the way I have been eating.) fighting for a raise at work.Oh!!!!! I decided..against my better judgement..to try an online dating thing. I'm not really sure why. I'm not even completly sure that I'm ready to date, or that I neccesarily want to. I like my life, but maybe thats just a defense that i've put up.Who knows? Couldn't hurt to check it out and see.
Okay...thats about all the shiny newness that is me. <3

posty post post like things

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 01:35:34 GMT

Fall semester for college may not be happening, but I'm keeping up hope. pulling alot of extra hours at work, so maybe with enough scrimping i can pull it off.
I'm thinking that i may take up music again. and dance.not to make a career out of it or anything. Those days are long behind me. But the fact is, music is the one consistent thing I have.I miss it. I feel empty without it;incomplete and hollow. thats just the truth of it.
So...I looked into some dance classes, but I'm waiting to hear back from a few school on what their adult program will be for the fall. And as for singing goes...I was thinking of checking into some of the stuff at OCCC. It could meet a credit requirement,and help fill that part of me that is slowly dying.
These past few weeks have been devasting,heartbreaking and incredibly emotional for me. I'm dealing with things in my new way.Yoga,Meditation,reading uplifting books.Still not on medication , though I will admit, today came close. I came so close to just tossing in the towel and going back to the docs.But i made it through the day and I'm pretty damn proud of that.
Things hurt. Alot. That's the day to day world, and we all will muddle through. That's what we do.
I'm realizing that the past..is the past. and sometimes you can't go back.Time passes. Things change. People become different creatures,almost strangers. you know them, because you would know them anywhere. the lines of their body is as familiar as your own. but something in you...something in you is changed.and thereis too much hurt.Like a valley between you.
Like states.
Like a country.
What does this mean? *shrug* who knows? What does it ever mean? Things in me are changing. Thats really all it amounts to.music.work.dance.good literature.These are things that I know right now and know well.They are the only things I am even remotely qualified to talk about anymore really.

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:06:11 GMT

CHE:
Oh what a circus! Oh what a show!
Argentina has gone to town
Over the death of an actress called Eva Peron
We've all gone crazy
Mourning all day and mourning all night
Falling over ourselves to get all of the misery right
Oh what an exit! That's how to go!
When they're ringing your curtain down
Demand to be buried like Eva Peron
It's quite a sunset
And good for the country in a roundabout way
We've made the front page of all the world's papers today
But who is this Santa Evita?
Why all this howling hysterical sorrow?
What kind of goddess has lived among us?
How will we ever get by without her?
She had her moments--she had some style
The best show in town was the crowd
Outside the Casa Rosada crying, "Eva Peron"
But that's all gone now
As soon as the smoke from the funeral clears
We're all going to see how she did nothing for years!

CROWD
Salve regina mater misericordiae
Vita dulcedo et spes nostra
Salve salve regina
Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva
Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes
O clemens o pia

CHE
You let down your people Evita
You were supposed to have been immortal
That's all they wanted
Not much to ask for
But in the end you could not deliver
Sing you fools! But you got it wrong
Enjoy your prayers because you haven't got long
Your queen is dead, your king is through
She's not coming back to you
Show business kept us all alive
Since 17 October 1945
But the star has gone, the glamour's worn thin
That's a pretty bad state for a state to be in
Instead of government we had a stage
Instead of ideas a prima donna's rage
Instead of help we were given a crowd
She didn't say much but she said it loud
And who am I who dares to keep
His head held high while millions weep?
Why the exception to the rule?
Opportunist? Traitor? Fool?
Or just a man who grew and saw
From seventeen to twenty-four
His country bled, crucified?
She's not the only one who's died!
Sing you fools? But you got it wrong
Enjoy your prayers because you haven't got long
Your queen is dead, your king is through
She's not coming back to you

CROWD
Salve regina mater misericordiae
Vita dulcedo et spes nostra
Salve salve regina Peron
Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva
Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes
O clemens o pia
(A non-descript GIRL moves through the pageantry of the
funeral. She sings as the voice of the dead Evita)

GIRL
Don't cry for me Argentina
For I am ordinary, unimportant
And undeserving of such attention
Unless we all are--I think we all are
Ride on my train o my people
And when it's your turn to die you'll remember
They fired those cannons, sang lamentations
Not just for Eva, for Argentina
Not just for Eva, for everybody
So share my glory, so share my coffin
So share my glory, so share my coffin

CHE
It's our funeral too

search search search

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:49:05 GMT

Trying to find my family through online resources is like glimpsing into possible lives that I could have had. I know that sounds weird, but pages and pages of people that could be my relatives pop up, and I think...are these my brothers? Is that there giant family now? It's weird. I haven't done this before really, but I'm desperate to find them all. all my brothers, my neices...It's been so long since I've talked to any of the. But I feel like i need to do this.
sigh...

saddened and frustrated

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 02:37:30 GMT

It always surprises me (although I guess it really shouldn't) when I encounted real , deep and violent rascism. It shouldn't; I know it's still out there, but I'm always so taken aback by it.
The idea that some crazed anti- semite could walk into the Holocaust Muesuem, blocks away from the white house and start firing is....insane.
My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the security guard that was killed...

I'm not writing my goodbyes.

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:09:08 GMT

OKay.
It's been awhile. and there are some updates to do.
Let's take it from the top: In order of the most painful and working dowards, I guess.

My stepfather is not responding well to the treatments. He is weak. He is bald. He is..well...not giving up, per se, because we are too early for that. But maybe not fighting as hard as he could. My grandmother fought hard. With everything in her little body,she fought. My father didn't. In my opinion, anyway.I think he wanted to live,sure. But as far as I know, he never went to chemo. He just didn't go.

....we are waiting on results now. Back to waiting. My heart is breaking. Fuck everyone who uses that expression and doesn't get what it really means. My heart hurts so bad right now. This is not fair to do to my mother again. It's not fair to do to him.
How many hit can one family take before you have nothing left ?

I've been absent from alot of my friends lives for the past month or so: this would be why. I'm trying to keep the balance between everything. I'm trying to keep it together, because this time around, I'm old enough to do something with all that raw emotion in me.

I also don't want to deal. with the superficial bullshit that occupies the day to day. I can't make idle chatter; I don't have the energy to fake the happy. I'm too focused on going from this minute to the next and just at this point getting through a single day. and then the next. and then the next...

I want to be blaring my music right now and rocking out. I want to be curled up with a video game. I want to be out somewhere not feeling like shit.

I was looking forward to spring break. Now I'm kinda not. Two free days with nothing to occupy my attention except what I choose to think about.

I'm not sure what else to write really.

passed 3 out of 4 midterms so far. waiting to hear about the 4th.
school's good. stressed out about the amount of work. managing.
Not seeing a therapist anymore.
down to 2 meds a day.
?
what else is there really to say?

wolverine

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 02:45:46 GMT

Thoughts on the movie? anyone? Especially you , Hatton, since deadpool is going to be in it.

lol

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:47:28 GMT

So I finally downloaded first season of ugly betty.
There's this one epsiode where Betty is having a dream sequence. On the night stand next to the bed there is a copy of one of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books.
:) I'm a dork.

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 17:51:47 GMT

I've been off the meds for about two weeks now. It was hard at first, and now it just feels like i'm constantly keeping myself in check. The headaches are bad,but I get through them. I did see the doctor yesterday, and explained to him that i really can't afford the seroquel and the pristiq . I though i could, but I'm trying to put money in the bank to move. That's my priority now. So he wrote a prescription for something else, but that was about two hundred dollars. So , we are back to square one. I guess we will see what happens next month when i go back to see him.
Work is work. It's not great, but it doesn't suck that bad.it pays me and that is a very good thing. plus in the next few monthes, I can have insurance.
Woke up from another Bad Baby Dream. This time it was really happy. I was pregnant and telling everyone and i was so happy and beautiful. ..
The phone rang about 8 something, snapped me right back out of it. So now, I'm fighting through the sadness of it, and the emotional roller coaster today is going to be.
that's it. I'm boring these days.

this week

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 03:12:43 GMT

Sunday, a day that would normally find me curled up at home with a good movie, found me instead at Applefest. I hadn't been in a few years, and while a friend and I were driving around figuring out what we should do , Applefest came to mind. So off we went.
Ran into Amanda and her sister in the munchkins. SInce I don't see her enough, I was sad to find her on the way out. About half an hour later, I ran into Kim,Jason,Mike, and Emily! <3
The friends new boyfrined was going to meet us. We back tracked our way to find prince charming....
Who was , in fact, charming.
and beautiful.
soft spoken, polite, with blonde curly locks that just magically place themselves just over is smokey blue gray eyes.....
Was I jealous?
Oh yes.
The next few hours were spent in what I affectionatly call " New Couple Hell". New couples have that fresh little sparkle about them.They haven't been dating long enough to get irratted with one another for their quirks, and being baptised by the new relationship, the sins of all past rendezvous,flings, hook-ups and failed relationships are washed away.
Or almost.
The friend kept talking: about her old boyfriends, and after a while, it got in my nerves. All I could think was "Hello!! Hottie in front of you!!!Shut up about the past!"
I guess thats the fundamental difference an 8 years makes. At this stage in the game, I've made my fuck ups with boys. The rules are a little more established , I guess.
Who knows?
I openly admitted to my friend that I covet her boyfriend. However, I secretly believe he may be an ax murderer . Nobody can be that perfect.
The rest of my work week continued as per usual. Babies on the brain, money scares, and work.
Wednesday night, while at work, the phone rings. I snatch it up, say the greeting. The custumer on the other end asks to speak to a pharmacist. I ask his name, and what the call pertains to. Just a little thing I like to do to the pharmacists; give them a heads up on what they are walking into .
He gives me a name.
I hold my breath. This is the customer famous for telling everyone what a wonderful singing voice he has. Already this week he has called to ask another technician if he can sing to her.
" I just want you to tell everyone there to VOTE FOR MCAIN AND PALIN!!!! OBAMA IS A TERRORIST!!!"
He keeps yammering while I keep trying to talk over him. I keep telling him that I can't entertain this conversation. I'm annoyed and want to say so much more, but pretty sure I would lose my job over it.
Finally the call ends. Big sigh of relief.
This weekend is catching up on mail,letter,phone calls and running off to poughkeepsie to help the fam move some stuff out of the condo there.
So thats the catching up . I'm exhausted. heading off to bed!

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 10:02:16 GMT

It is now six in the morning. I haven't slept yet. and who knew that SVU was on at 6 in the morning?
sooo boooooored.

best line of the show

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:24:47 GMT

" You know who I wish would come to Marthaville? Buffy. Or Blade. "

busting into giggle fits

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 19:08:25 GMT

Heat of the moment is playing at work right now.
Supernatural has ruined this song for me. Can't stop laughing.

fandoms own my ass right now

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 16:52:52 GMT

finished third season of supernatural. :( have to wait till i get home tonight for the new seasons episode.

Reading Eclipse. Jesus christ the men in this book piss me the fuck off.

I'm just the tiniest bit in love with True Blood. Has anyone else seen it yet?

off to my boring day at work.

i think

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 01:58:09 GMT

that it might be a fucking epidemic.

took it from emily!

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:35:38 GMT

[1] Do you have to mow your own lawn?
no. I shouldn't be trusted with machinery.

[2] When’s the last time you kissed someone?
I kiss my friends all the time. In the romantic sense, though, a few weeks ago when i was in arizona.

[3] Is there a TV in the room that you’re currently in?
yup

[4] Have you gone on vacation in the past year?
I went to arizona

[5] If so.. Where did you go?
uhm...arizona.

[6] Are you allergic to any animals?
nope

[7] Does your grandmother have more than one cat, if any at all?
uh no. nana isn't alive anymore.

[8] Have you ever shot a living creature before?
no sir.

[9] Have you ever flown first class?
no, but i really want to.

[10] Do/Did/Will you play any sports in high school?
i didn't play, and I kick myself for it now.

[11] Are you currently using a laptop?
no. typing away on my puter.

[12] Have you ever worked at a fast food restaurant?
my very first on the books job was at Arthur Treachers.

[13] Do you have any trophies?
uhm..no.

[14] Pick the less annoying of the two: Myspace or Facebook?
myspace

[15] What time did you wake up this morning?
around nine

[16] Have you ever played on a Wii before?
no! but i want to! I plan on purchasing one after I get the 360

[17] Do you have a favorite band from the 80’s?
from the 80's? wow. that's so hard to choose. maybe poison?

[18] Do you like vitamin water?
i sure do

[19] Have you ever ridden in the bed of a truck?
yeah when I was a kid.

[20] What was the worst grade you've ever experienced?
aw, man. it all pretty much went to shit after 8th grade.

[21] Do you drink soymilk?
drink it, no.But i use it in coffee and cereal

[22] Do you get Chinese takeout a lot?
I love me some chinese food.

[23] Has your dad been married more than once?
yeah he was.

[24] Have you ever been in love?
Yes. just the once.

[25] Do you like going to the library?
I like having my own copies of books.

[26] When’s the last time you hugged someone?
vyonne last night.

[27] Do you have any half siblings?
six of them.

[28] Have you ever been to Washington DC?
went there to meet my uncle when i was a kid all the time.

[29] What magazines are you subscribed to?
bitch magazine, and soon to be curve.

[30] Are you any good at Guitar Hero?
i suck at it.

[31] Do you make your own surveys or do you just copy and take them?
copy.

[32] Would you rather use a regular or mechanical pencil?
regular

[33] Did you collect Beanie Babies at any point in your life?
no/

[34] What’s the nearest silver thing to you?
the dock for my camera

[35] Do you use Windows Vista?
i sure do.

[36] Have you ever gone swimming in a lake?
yes

[37] What’s the last movie you saw in a theater?
Pineapple Express

[38] When’s the last time you visited a graveyard?
not in a long time.

[39] What are/were your school colors? which school?
blue and gold, orange and blue.

[40] Do you want kids?
yes. and soon.

[41] What’s the last thing you watched on TV?
law and order

[42] Do you like staying in hotels?
I love hotels.

[43] Pick one: The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?
oh. toughie. beatles.
[
45] How about Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers or Led Zeppelin?
heartbreakers.

[46] Did you used to watch Sesame Street when you were little?
I watch it now with the baby.
[
47] Do clowns scare you?
not really.

[48] What type of deodorant do you use?
it comes in a pink and black container and i can't remember which brand it is now. .

[49] Where did you go the last time you went out?
americanna.

[50] Where do you want to go to/attend college?
well, i would like to make it back to occc in the spring, after that though I have my eye on New Paltz.
te

some stuff

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 22:20:01 GMT

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was pretty cute, so I decided to share with all of you:

To all the women in my life:

Live your life

in such a way

that when your feet

hit the floor each morning,

Satan shudders

and says:

'Oh Shit - she's awake!!!'

Also, Hallmark has released there new card line celebrating gay marriage. How cool is that? Heres the link:

http://news.yahoo.com/story//ap/20080821/ap_on_bi_ge/gay_wedding_cards_6

"Till I take my last breath, I swore"

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:16:42 GMT

I think
that I should come home now.

Happy Birthday Hank!!!

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:00:51 GMT

Hope you are doing well! New York misses you !

Happy Birthday!!

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 16:52:21 GMT

Happy Birthday Jeanette!!!!!!!
LOVE YA!!!!

Dear Amanda

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 18:49:21 GMT

I'm not sure i am happy with hal's new hair.
that is all.

just for the record-

diwiltessa@hotmail.com — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 18:48:01 GMT

I break a little bit inside when i think of you. just so you know.