blueimber:
it was blissful to be there and help my sister with my nephew's birthday;
the look on his face;
the dozen or so tiny little people who were
'in charge'
for one day
playing in the bounce-house and
sharing the 'lightning mcqueen' power wheels-
explaining to their parents why i colored my hair pink
and that no
i am not a mom;
just fascinated by the way that children see the world.
one of the things i always try to do when there are little eyes and ears and hands and minds
around me
is to pay close attention to their mannerisms-
to seek eye contact and to ask them questions-
it helps them learn to focus and to learn how to ask about something thoroughly.
it's hard; at some stages of development there is no comprehension of logic
like they are just jangly tangled bundles of nerves and inputs and outputs
that all wiggle around trying to find their definition
and the definition of the world around them;
that our species from these tiny beings
each have grown up from
and the things we have seen accomplished each in our lifetimes--
as well as what we as the adults in their lives teach them;
do we teach them patience and understanding;
or can we not get past our own stresses;
can we not see the need to put our children forward
of our own agendas?
is it more important to have a child that obeys
or a child that learns how to integrate as a socially conscious member of a familial unit?
short tempers only lead to short tempers; and so forth...
------------------
little girls and older women have all been stopping me to talk to me about my pink hair;
and two girls who i admire this weekend recommended Special Effects dye over
other brands
for longevity and intensity;
so perhaps if i go into manhattan this week i will see if any of the ricky's have restocked
the color i want.
honest; i haven't felt this much like who i am in such a long time-
i have to be certain not to get sick on the hope
and focus
and continue to be grateful;
which i am-
my life is filled with all kinds of things that make it both bitter and sweet;
and last night, walking up the stairs out in the cold mountain air
i said a thought of thanks;
for we always say 'god damn it' or 'please god'
when we are frustrated or we need something
and never
simply
'thank you'
or
'i am for all of this, yes; all of this- grateful.'
and i am-
to god;
to those who watch over me
to that idea that the universe balances
and that
good things come to good people.
i can't even say how often
my depression circles back to my thoughts of being unworthy
or of not being a good person
of serving the sentence of some unspoken crime;
simply for my existence-
but then
the world reminds me that i am just another person within it-
walking their path
finding the place where they belong.
there were a few people at the party saturday night that i wanted to get to talk to more
but
well
with that many people so beloved in one room
to speak thoroughly to them all is impossible.
but
hearing the snippets;
the memory of lifetimes
and a good dozen years of friendships-
summer companions and
artist philosophers-
it just makes me proud-
my folk;
the people whose values; hobbies and beliefs are
their passions-
who live and die by the rules that they write
the codes that they live by-
or by the chaos that they harness and
tossle with;
mastering their demons
and
bringing their realities into existence sometimes by strength of their will alone;
i used to say;
'wolves who walk with me...'
i tread lightly upon this ground;
taking the lessons that my friends have helped me learn
always trying to take a place of support amoung them
to say
for my life i walk here beside you
so long as we may-
for that is all we are allotted.
at the party;
someone had a bottle of the Honeyrun Elderberry Mead-
so-
this is just significant to only me;
but-
see-
Kim and i went to preschool together;
as we can often be found chortling drunkenly at many parties about-
and i moved away from Warwick when i was 7;
and lost touch with all of those kids i had known-
we had moved to California;
to a little town called Chico;
which
is where Honeyrun Mead is made;
on the Honeyrun Covered Bridge and Estate;
a summer swimming hole
where i acquired many scraped knees and
tasted thousands of honeysuckles--
so-
that these things all circle back around;
such signs that speak to being in the right place
in the places where i am actually meant to be-
such fate
such 'bashert' moments-
that after being so young and away for so long;
to come back
rediscover that not only have we known each other for so long
but also too that
we have shared friends, hobbies; joys and sorrows similar and same
destined one way or another to have found one another-
coincidence or intelligent design;
the wheel of fate or
honestly not that unusual-
these are the things that speak to me.
-----------------------
i was very talkative this weekend.
i think i talked more this weekend than i have all year.
but i feel more expressive now than i have felt in a long time
almost as if i have stories to tell again
or things to say.
i find myself more often being happy
i hear a significantly simpler and quieter melody
but i think that another part of me has become solid;
that i passed some one of life's many trials
and
now coast into smoother;
more even waters-
there are still many things i want;
that i cannot find
that i find unfulfilled in my life-
but these kinds of weekends
soothe me
remind me that it is steps
and i can only take one at a time
and as they come to me
there will be more stones-
the path leads on.
i suppose that i have to pay attention to my own inner set of eyes and ears and mind and hands-
ask my own questions of myself thoroughly;
ensure that i am truly living and doing the things that make me happy
and not spending time on things that damage me
anymore.
life is good;
and i am exhausted.
tomorrow; scanning some unsent letters.
will i send them now?
time will tell.
^_^
peace and love;
my apologies for crazy ramblings--